My issue

...or at least one of many. Ha!

Actually, before I get into that, let me catch up on the past couple days since I haven't written. My friend Michele was kind enough to share her company with us from Saturday afternoon to Monday afternoon. The days were filled with the baby, while our nights were filled with wine and junk food and wedding talk. Raina's aunt babysat Sunday afternoon, giving us a couple hours to ourselves. It was my first time away from Raina since Chris left. We went to the gym and out to lunch...very relaxing. Sunday, though, marked the beginning of the decline of Raina's mood. Now I think it's toofie-related...I gave her medicine all day today and she finally seemed back to her old self this afternoon. I got a good look in her mouth and I believe I see 2 bottom ones coming in. Poor thing. So that's about it...nothing really exciting happened. Tomorrow marks the beginning of being good again. I'm not going to be able to post a scale pic ('cause I still haven't figured out the camera), but I'll be honest in my report. It's not going to be pretty. That's a pretty good lead into my issue....

So, let me start this by saying that I totally understand if the president of my gender wants to revoke my chick card for saying some of the things I'm about to say. I deserve it. Also, any dudes out there, I warn you that this will be completely over your heads, so you might want to go build a saw horse or drink a beer or whatever instead. This is all about PMS.

I've heard of women having bad PMS before. I can't say that I ever really had a friend who complained of it too being too bad...I just heard stories. To be brutally honest, I thought the stories of anything more than mild moodiness and cramps were...well...bunk. I mean, mild moodiness and cramps were all I ever had...surely accounts of anything more had to be a cry for attention or a fantastic excuse to get out of doing whatever didn't want to be done. I'll admit to using "bad PMS" as an excuse to get out of ROTC's Saturday boot camp one time (yes, I was in ROTC...I thought it would be more fun than college Health & Wellness...yes, I was dumb!). So anyways, before having Raina, my PMS consisted of some mild irritability and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I had cramps in a year. The PMS symptoms never really bothered me...it was my actual period that was the pits and what I dreaded the most (I'll spare you the details!).

So that was my PMS before having the baby...not too bad...nothing I would ever really complain about...something totally over in just a couple days. Now, though? After the baby? OMG.

It starts 2 weeks before my period, always with a day or two of extreme fatigue. It just so happened that either Chris or Raina (or both of them) have been sick these past couple months during this time, and so I always attributed the fatigue to my catching whatever they had, and then I would be patting my immune-system-o'-steel on the back a couple days later when the illness didn't appear. I'm convinced now, however, that the timing is PMS-related, not illness. After the day or two of extreme fatigue comes the really good stuff, the scary mental stuff. "Irritability" doesn't do it justice. Everything is annoying to the point that I want to lash out physically. The rage I experience is downright terrifying. Pure rage. I've never felt anything like it before. I start to experience headaches during that time, and I'm pretty sure it's due to the fact that I clench my teeth and jaw as a way to keep my mouth shut and not open and screaming. This rage has never been focused on Raina, but I have had to put her in her crib and walk away for many moments while I get myself under control and try to stop myself from reaching that point. Speaking of maintaining control, weepiness has always been a monthly happening, but it's never been something that I felt got away from me. Now, however, is a different story...I can't stop it like I used to. The best example I can give is the one day I was at the gym, jogging on the treadmill and watching Regis and Kelly do some special on moms, and I started to cry and couldn't stop. I had to pretend like I was wiping away sweat the entire time I was walking to the locker room, where I finally hid myself in a stall and cried. I struggle horribly with anxiety as well...nothing feels safe, I feel constantly out of control, as though I'm just waiting for terrible things to happen to me. Peaceful and restful sleep is hard to come by...because of the anxiety and racing thoughts, as well as the night sweats/hot flashes. I experience cravings like never before. I'm not just talking about a simple "Boy, a Snickers sure sounds good to me right now." I'm talking about a matter of a couple hours several times a day for several days where I have to eat and I have to eat everything (usually salty, sweet, salty, sweet, rinse and repeat...). There was one night where I went out to "run errands" but instead went to the store and bought food to eat in the car. It was chips followed by brownies followed by popcorn and then frosting. Now, I know I have issues with food...always have and probably always will...but NEVER have I had bingeing like this. It was to the point where I was piling it in my mouth so fast that I was out of breath. I try to hide it from Chris by doing it when he's not home or when I'm out of the house, but when the urge hits, it's as though I have no choice...I have to do it right then, no waiting and no matter who's around to see it. So, with the rage, anxiety, and out-of-control bingeing, I pretty much feel like I'm going insane during this time. I start to withdraw. I want nothing to do with people, whether they be friends or strangers. I want nothing to do with answering e-mails or phone calls. I want nothing to do with to-do lists or cleaning or watering the plants or taking out the trash or paying the bills or doing laundry or feeding the cats or showering or dressing in anything other than my PJs or doing anything nice with my appearance (add on to that the horrible acne that comes during this time, too. Joy.) Physically, it's no big deal. Yah, my cramps are worse than they used to be and they come every month now, but I can handle that with no problem. What's going on in my head, though, is too much. And it's for 2 weeks of every month. That's half the year. I can't do that.

...which is why I'm calling my doctor this week. I was going to do it today but then figured they'd be closed on the holiday. I've done some reading on PMS treatment and I think I found one that sounds good to me, but of course I need to discuss it with the doc first. The Pill is out of the question seeing as we want to start on baby #2 soon.

I feel so bad for Chris. This month has been the most intense for me so far, and maybe it was like that 'cause I was trying my hardest to keep it from Chris who was stressing out so much about his trip to Europe. He has definitely been getting the brunt of my "irritability." I've kinda told him how bad it's been for me, but there's really no way to do it justice other than to have him pull some kind of "Being John Malkovich" and actually getting into my head.

Anyways, my adventure with the doctor should be fun. Ha! I guess this is what I get for not believing in PMS!

Anyways, it's almost 8 and the baby is in bed, the house is clean (enough), and I still have 2 cookies waiting to be eaten before I start anew tomorrow. I finally broke down and set up the DVR to record "Maggie & the Ferocious Beast" for me. I love that show. Yah, it's for kids...but it makes me smile every time I watch it and that can be a rare thing depending on what 2 weeks of the month it is. Another kid TV show reference (that maybe only 2 of you out there will even get)...but I think Ruby of "Max & Ruby" is my hero. That girl (is there a term for female rabbit???) is the most patient being in the whole universe. She's an inspiration :)

I'm gonna end on a video that features Raina and her daddy (whom she has started to ask about several times a day now)...