I think my va-jay-jay is saying "Whew!"

Crude, I know. But hey, it's the truth. When I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to have this baby naturally, I decided that as a dictator who was not at all concerned about how other body parts involved would feel. Now that I've been sentenced to another c-section, I can sense some parties going on that this dictator is not invited to.

So yah, another c-sec.

It all started Monday when I had to go in for a biophysical profile (basically a detailed ultrasound to check on how the baby was faring in my post-due date uterus). All in all, she was doing great, said the tech. Her heart rate was ideal, blood flow was good, and I had plenty of amniotic fluid. Raina was with me at the time, sitting in a chair by my side as well as can be expected of a 2-y-o, so needless to say, I wasn't paying 100% attention to the screen...but I did notice that the tech kept going back and forth between the baby and a data screen. Then she starts asking me questions like how big was Raina (8 lb 7 oz), how my sugar test went (fine, I passed), how big was Raina (um, 8 lb 7 oz), how had my blood pressure been (okay, only high when I had to bring Raina to the office with me), how big was Raina (seriously lady, 8lb 7 oz)...and then I finally caught on and realized that these weren't "normal" questions. So I asked "Why? What do you see?!?" Her reply, "Well, I've done the measurements about 3 times and I see an 11-pound baby." She even showed me that if she took away the largest 2 measurements of the 3, she still came out with an 11-pounder. A part of me knew my fate was sealed at that very moment. Unless I could bribe her to fix the numbers, my journey towards a natural birth was OVER.

Here's my thought on ultrasounds...they're great for certain things. I have no doubt they have saved many babies and moms. However, they are not all-knowing, ESPECIALLY when it comes to size. The ultrasound peeps will tell you they could be off a half-pound either way. OBs will generally say maybe a pound. Talk to a mom, though, and I've found that most have close to a 2-pound discrepancy story in their repertoire. I do...Raina was predicted to be 10 pounds and she was (say it with me) 8 lb 7 oz.

Let's fast-forward to today. I had an appointment with my midwife. The internal exam showed absolutely no change with my cervix...closed as can be. Because he delivers at Magee, he needs the support of the docs there. He told me that he had to talk to one of the high-risk doctors about my case before we could decide how to proceed, mainly meaning whether we could attempt an induction. Though I clung to the hope that he put out there for me to grasp onto, I knew what the outcome would be. C'mon, now...a high-risk OB looking at an almost 34-y-o woman who wants a V-BAC two full weeks past her due date with a cervix that's temporarily closed for business and an 11-pounder waiting to get stuck?!? Yah, right.

I got home to find a message from the midwife saying he talked to the OB. I called him back and was told that the OB said no way in hell, that he would be "driven out of town" if he even thought of attempting an induction on me. HOWEVER, if I go into labor on my own between now and Friday a.m., they'll support my midwife in attempting a natural delivery. C-section is scheduled for this Friday at noon.

So.

I'm not going to go into how I'm handling this. I know 99% of you don't understand what this means to me, why I have such an issue with my last c-section, why I'm probably going to have to look for a support group when this is all said and done....so instead I'm going to focus on the positive...

• Phoebe will come out looking cuter than the vaginally-delivered babies. She'll be the one that looks like a toddler without a squished head!
  

• I get to have a catheter in for a couple days. When you spend several months seemingly peeing every hour, having that sensation taken away for a couple days is pure heaven. The most I worried about last time was that the pee bag was hidden when visitors came. I can handle that. Sign me up.

• I might get to stay an extra day in the hospital (as compared to a natural birth). Last time, I did everything I could to get out a day early even though I had a "complicated" c-section. This time, I'm treating this as a mini vay-kay away from my household chores, sick kitty, recent insomnia-stricken toddler, etc.

• I get to plan ahead for my departure. I'll be able to leave here Friday morning knowing that the laundry is done, the kitchen is stocked, everything is "clean," and Raina is in good hands.

• I get to wear Depends. I probably lost all of you on this one, but I'm going out on a limb here and admitting that I enjoy Depends. They're quite comfy...definitely better than what the hospital sends you home with!

There's more, I'm sure, but it's past 9 and I'm sure the DVR has accumulated some good trash TV that will help me through the numbing/disassociation process that I'm trying to put the finishing touches on before Friday comes.

Before I go, though, I have a couple shout-outs...

Thank you to all of you, family/friends/facebook peeps/blog lurkers. I haven't had a single person tell me to just suck it up, throw away my dreams, and just do what the docs tell me to. You might have wanted to say it...but you didn't...you just "listened" and encouraged, and for that I thank you.

Thanks to my hubby for putting up with me...for admitting that he doesn't "get it" but fighting alongside me 100% for every scary thing I've wanted regardless of how he might have felt. Let's also don't forget dealing with my moodiness, exhaustion, out-of-control appetite, elephant ass, etc.

Finally, thanks to my doula(s). Though I won't get to use them to the extent that I had hoped, had it not been for them and the effort they made to speak on my behalf, I would not have ended up with my midwife, a man who has supported my wishes completely, who has taken me to 2 full weeks past my due date (more than any OB would have ever let me go) all in the name of helping me get the birth experience I want. Thank you, ladies, for all your support. You two "get it." :)

Don't know if I'll be back before Friday.

If you're lucky, I'll have a laptop at the hospital :)