Anti-sentence

budget night. ugh.

cake decorating class wednesday p.m. yay!

house guests this weekend. super messy house. ugh.

$50 coming my way thru craigslist ad. yay!

new awaken-from-nap routine:



Labor Day weekend escape by myself?

Not to perseverate...though I totally am...

This was me at about 5+ months preggers with Raina...





Nevermind that I never lost the last 25 baby pounds before embarking on #2...my baby bump is the same size now at 13 weeks as it was last time at 20+! Give me a couple more months and I'm totally giving up on maternity clothes and just going to rock the muumuu.



They come in long-sleeved for the winter, right?

Woe is me, first-world style

Our dishwasher is broken.

(Pause for melancholy violin music...fade out....)

Ugh. I have a hard enough time keeping this place clean as it is! We would run that thing at least once a day, usually twice a day. It's gonna be quite a while before we can afford a "new" one. I'm trying to stay positive. Maybe this will save us a little bit on our water bill...??? Argh.

What better cure for the blues than watching a baby dance? This is Raina dancing to her Yo Gabba Gabba music. She's also singing along, saying "dance" out loud and then mouthing some of the other words. This vid doesn't do her justice...it's pretty toned down from what she normally does (shoulder shakes, butt drops, body wiggles, spins) but you get the picture.

Actually, it's been a while since I've posted vids, so here's a couple more for the grandparents to smile at...

Here she is with Fozzie Bear...

Here she is at the zoo...

And here she is at a banjo concert...

On the mommy/daddy front, daddy is taking banjo lessons every Thursday evening. I've given up my dreams of getting my hands on a free piano and have now added a used full-size, weighted-key, piano-ish keyboard to my Christmas list. In the end, that makes more sense anyways...volume control, ya know. If I do ever get one, though, I will have my own night of lessons, as well. Speaking of lessons, it's looking good that I'll be taking those cake decorating classes in September. I'm going out tomorrow night to price out the supplies. They only want $27 for 4 weeks of classes, but I don't have a solid idea of what the cost is for everything I'm required to buy. If it's "reasonable," I'll register on the first of the month and have class every Wednesday evening for 2 hours.

I had my first trimester screening yesterday. Ultrasound and blood work. Everything looked okay, but part of the screening also includes yet another ultrasound and panel of blood work in another month or so. I'm already up to 3 ultrasounds! Pregnancy-wise, I'm struggling with nausea. It's at its worst when I'm trying to sleep, though I did have almost an entire day of it over the weekend... hardly ate anything. Chris is totally bummed about my cravings this time around. With Raina, it was steak. I've never been a fan of steak, so I never eat it much...but when pregnant with Raina, we were eating steaks more than once a week. Chris was in heaven! This time around, I'm really not feeling the meat thing. Chicken is especially revolting, unless it's in something creamy or it's fried. Steak doesn't do it for me either. I'm cool with tofu and maybe ground beef, but mostly it's pasta and grilled cheese sandwiches...and junk food, of course.

I'm guesstimating this pregnancy to end at 220. I'm telling myself that I'm okay with that! Bootcamp, bootcamp, bootcamp!!!

If I were to win the lottery (a big one)

Aside from paying off all our bills and parents' bills and good friends' bills and maybe getting my eyebrows professionally shaped, I'd spend my free time taking classes. Not Harvard-ish classes...more like basketweaving-ish.

I found a level 1 cake decorating class that runs every Wednesday next month in the evenings. Assuming I can afford it, I think I'm gonna do it. Aside from the appeal of being a pregnant chick around loads of icing and cake, I think it'll be fun and something fun I can do with/for my family. I feel like I need to commit to doing something for ME. That's okay, right?

I hope it works out. I'm excited. You should be, too...you could one day get a cake specially made by moi and my mad skillz...

Things on my mind tonight...

I wonder where the camera charger is? I swear that thing is lost more than it's ever found.

What in the world am I going to wear to this weekend's wedding? Nothing fits me. I'm gonna be seated at a table with gorgeous, fit, successful women while I'm bursting out of my too-small pseudo-fancy clothes, singing Yo Gabba Gabba songs in my head.

I like sour cream. I think I may eat more tonight....though I should probably have it with some chips and melted cheese.

OMG, I totally need to start getting on my treadmill at night.

Maybe that will be easier now that all my shows are starting back up again. Top Chef was last night. Project Runway is tonight. I'm interested in Glee and some show about seeing into the future...I forget what it's called. Then there's a new season of ANTM and House. Yah, the DVR should be getting super full soon...no reason why I can't use that as an incentive to get on the treadmill.

Last night was the best night of sleep I've had in a while. I estimate that I slept about 4-5 hours. Not consecutively, of course, but I only got up to pee twice and I had dreams, so I definitely got some deep sleep.

Next to dancing, the cutest thing Raina does is sing along to her Yo Gabba Gabba songs. I don't know why, but singing along to songs doesn't seem like something she should be able to do right now. That's like a 4-year-old's skill in my head! It's super cute, though.

I'm thinking about leaving town for a weekend to hole myself away in a private place so I can work on Raina's baby book and maybe sleep, sleep, sleep.

I have my first-trimester screening on Monday. Ultrasound and bloodwork. For some reason, my new OB/GYN (for the moment) is making me go to a geneticist because of the (distant) history of Down's in Chris' family. Didn't have to do this last time, but oh well. Chris is coming, and for that I'm extremely grateful.

Traffic was really bad in Pittsburgh today. Is there something going on???

Tomorrow is veggie day. Hope we get good stuff. Our portion of the bill is due soon. Ha!

I wish I could take piano lessons. I wish I could get over my aversion of keyboards. There's just something about a real piano...

You would not believe how fast my eyebrow hair grows. I was bad at maintaining it before. Now it's just hopeless!

I want to get out of the house tomorrow, but I don't know where to go. It's hard to go to the mall and pass by the cookie and pretzel stands.

All I want for my b-day next year (a few weeks after baby is born) is money to put towards 2 months of bootcamp. Oh yah, baby! Since Chris wants to stop at 2, then I'm determined to get rid of all this extra padding. Besides, that's an hour a day every day for 8 weeks that I'd get out of the house :)

Sour cream time. There's a party in my tummy. So yummy, so yummy...

Rant

Sigh.

Here we go again.

I "fought" a lot with my last OB. He was Indian, and there were some definite cultural issues...let's just say that things went more smoothly when Chris did all the talking for me. Fine...I was okay with that...so long as I got what I wanted...and had Raina not been oppositionally defiant, I probably would have. All I wanted: A "natural" birth. By that, I mean getting to feel some contractions and having a vaginal delivery, all of this occurring when the baby and my body decided it should occur. For those of you who don't know, Raina was breech and I had to undergo a C-section...all of that after fighting with my OB against induction and an early one at that.

I know this is going to sound crazy to 99.9% of you. Fine. Nothing I'm not used to already. But I am completely unable to say that Raina was "born." I've never used that word to describe what took place. Instead, it's that she was "taken out" that day, or I simply say her birthday is November 2nd, or if I'm feeling particularly flowery, I'll choke out the "she came into this world" business. But born? No. Not in my screwed up head.

Some women dream about their future wedding day and honeymoon down to the last minute detail. Not me. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that having only one child was a form of child abuse (no offense to people who choose to have only one child...I just found it hard being horribly shy and forced to move every 9 months to 3 years, never establishing permanent and long-lasting relationships with friends or family members...); thus, I always dreamed of the becoming-a-mommy experience, knowing that I would have 2 or more. I never really dreamed about the pregnancy part. That's probably a good thing, considering how much I don't really enjoy it! It was always the labor and delivery that excited me...the water breaking in some public place, the frantic, yet totally ecstatic, phone call to my husband to let him know it was "TIME," the totally allowable/socially acceptable screaming and cursing that would take place during the actual labor, etc., etc. (Thank you to TLC and Discovery Health Channel for all that they contributed to my day dreams over the years!)

I've never come to terms with my C-section. I feel horrible when I share my experience with moms-to-be who might have to undergo one. I'm the last person in the world who should be talking about it publically. But the truth is: I feel cheated. How selfish is that?!? I know it is. I KNOW it's about safely bringing a baby into the world...safely for both baby AND mom. I know this. I know the most important thing is the end result, my wonderful daughter. I KNOW this, too. For some reason, however, I have a hole in me from the experience (and a crooked scar).

And now my OB is already talking about making that hole even bigger.

I had to get a new OB since my old one moved away. After meeting with my new one a couple weeks ago, I was excited. I liked her a lot. At the very first visit, she asked what I wanted: a C-section or a V-BAC. When I said V-BAC, she said we'd have to monitor my progress but that she didn't see any reason why it shouldn't be an option. Fantastic! Just what I wanted to hear. Fast-forward to two days ago, when I met with her again. The subject of a V-BAC came up, but this time she mentioned that I would be induced and not allowed to go past my due date.

WTF?

I have this tendency to shut down when I hear something I don't like, so at the time I internalized what she said and nodded and smiled and went home feeling okay that at least everything was going okay so far (even though my uterus is "big," but whatever, so's my ass...it's all proportional for the time-being). But then that night, when I'm unable to sleep, everything she says comes back to me and the hole starts to open up. Why is it too much to ask that my body be allowed to do this when it feels ready? It's like I go through 9 months of having absolutely no control over my body...even my body has no control...the fetus is the 5-star general giving all the orders...and at the one moment my body has its time to shine, the doctors swoop in and take all the control away again. Listen...if there's a medical reason...a GENUINE medical reason (as opposed to a we're-doing-this-to-cover-our-asses-so-you-won't-sue-us-in-the-extreme-rare-case-that-something-were-to-go-wrong reason), I wouldn't stand in the way of medical intervention. A healthy outcome is ultimately what I want. HOWEVER, if it's really not medically required, why then? Why induce me? Why not let me go past my due date? Why, why, why??? But ultimately, the docs will have their answers and my worry-prone husband will agree with them, and once again I'll feel swept under the rug while my baby is artificially born.

I wish someone understood. It's so hard to put into words, but the fact that my chest aches and my eyes tear everytime I think of it should attest to how important this is to me. This isn't the rant of an emotionally unstable pregnant chick. This is the rant of a woman who just wants to be allowed to be a woman in the truest of all senses.

Sniffle. Sigh.

More pros

I have 2 more items to add to my list of pregnancy pros.

5. Upgrade from flat pancakes to (somewhat) ripe melons :)

6. Being able to play the "I'm pregnant" card. Thanks to my mom for reminding me of that one.

Not as long as the con list...but getting there.

Bye-bye nuh-nuh, Phase 1

Nuh-Nuh:

Now that Raina's verbal vocabulary (as opposed to signing vocab) is increasing, I've begun to see the need to get rid of the pacifier. It's a scary thing to me. I'll admit to relying on it for purposes other than self-soothing on Raina's part (translated: It was a quick and easy way to make her quiet...though, when put that way, I sound like the worst mom EVER). Anyways, after her daddy returned from a work trip that had him out of town for several days, I decided to start the process. Phase 1 consists of confining the nuh-nuh's use to just nap and bed times. It's been about a week now, and I'm amazed at how smoothly it's going. In her crib we have placed one of her stuffed animals (a monkey) that's actually shaped like a basket. It's monkey's job to hold her nuh-nuhs safe and sound until it's time to sleep again. We tell her this before taking her out of her crib, and I have yet to encounter an absurd amount of resistance. She usually very matter-of-factly agrees with my assessment of monkey's trustworthiness and hands her nuh-nuh over graciously. I can count on one hand the number of times tears were involved. Also surprisingly, she very rarely asks for it during the day, and when she does, I simply remind her that monkey is holding onto them until it's time to sleep because Raina is a big girl and big girls don't need their nuh-nuhs, to which she'll say "yah!" and continue about her business. I have to admit that I've been tempted to tuck one in my pocket at certain times...this morning's visit to the ultrasound clinic being one of them...ya know, just in case...but she was good (for a 21-month-old :). The saga will continue, I'm sure.

As for baby #2, I got to see him again today (and yes, I think it's a boy). He's still in that peanut-looking stage...not all that "interesting"...but I found myself a little more enthralled today because of how much he was moving around. Raina wasn't that active so early on. Is it silly to already be worried about how much this little bugger is going to hurt when he gets bigger?!? Well, I am!

It's Chris' b-day tomorrow. We have this tradition...the b-day boy or girl starts saying "It's my birthday" about a week before the actual b-day so as to extend b-day benefits for way longer than they should be extended. Well, I didn't do that for my last birthday...I was probably too busy with baby stuff...but Chris has started tonight. Granted, not the week as is our custom, but he's making up for the late start by being, um, overly obnoxious about it. Case in point: I just had a brain freeze and asked him "How to you spell obnoxious?" to which he replied "J-e-s-s." I'm a little bitter seeing as how I didn't get these benefits for my last b-day, but I'm gonna let it go with a smile and just pile it on extra extra thick next April. Extra extra mega thick.

Why?

Why are guys so weird? Especially when it comes to their nails?

Case in point:


I'm sitting on the couch, minding my business while obsessively watching the news coverage of the shooting that took place at my LA Fitness...when I look to my left and see a pile of nails neatly contained between a strip of packing tape.

What the heck?

Sorry to call you out on this, babe, but that's just weird...though I have to admit that I like it better than the random pile of uncontained nails. The tape is a nice touch.

pros and cons

I'm feeling a little "eh" today about being pregnant. These past several days have probably been the hardest so far. Thankfully, my mother was in town for most of them. Today, however, I was on my own (with a little help from Chris, who just returned from Vegas last night and but was pretty much the walking dead all day). Today has been a lot of feeling yucky...a little nausea, a lot of cramping, a teasing headache, and an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to curl up in bed and stay there all day. You can imagine how Raina objected to my even entertaining that thought. I find most of my thoughts centered around the yuckiness of being pregnant. A lucky few of you were with me during my last pregnancy blog. Good times, right?!? Ha. Anyways, to try to offset some of this negative thinking, I've decided to sit down and write out the pros and cons of pregnancy that I'm experiencing now at a measly 9+ weeks. OMG, only 9+ weeks!!! Sigh.

Let's start with the cons so I can end on the silver lining...

Cons of growing a loveable parasite:

1. Feeling exhausted/having no energy

2. Insatiable hunger/incredible weight gain ("incredible" as in Ripley's-freaky incredible, not winning-the-lottery incredible)

3. Funky skin (this time around, I not only have the wonderful zits but also the white bumps on my arms)

4. Cramps. I know it doesn't sound bad, but cramping during the 1st trimester elicits nothing but fear from us already emotionally unstable pregnant chicks. Which brings me to...

5. Emotional instability. Pretty self-explanatory.

6. Being unable to fit into any of my clothes. Kinda my fault, though. A couple months back, when I was actually on my way to losing the original baby weight, I got rid of all my "fat" clothes. Sigh.

7. The farting. Ha, who am I kidding! That's fun :)...except when it's in public. I don't know much about the farting habits of other pregnant chicks...none of my super close friends have either been pregnant yet or talked to me about it...but my pregger farts remind me of surprise parties. They're like the people hiding behind the couch who jump out with no warning and yell "surprise!"

8. Dr's appointments. Actually, I wouldn't mind them so much if only I knew what to expect at each one. Specifically, whether I'm going to be subjected to an internal. Since I don't know what's coming, I spend the night before the appointment "preparing" for an exam; not an easy thing to do when I'm suffering from the exhaustion/lack of energy and #9...

9. Freakishly fast hair growth. Seriously. I'll shave my legs one day and less than 2 days later it's already past the stubble stage and into the soft furry stage.

10. Nose bleeds.

11. Inability to sleep at night. This didn't happen until later into my second trimester last time. It's been going on for weeks now.

12. Peeing nonstop. Once again, this didn't happen until later into my second trimester last time. Last night, I got up and peed 6 times between 10:30 p.m. and 7 a.m. That's been a regular thing now for several weeks.

13. Put most of these together, and it equals this last one: Feeling like the most disgusting/ depressing person in the world to be around.

The pros:

1. Being able to park in the "expectant mother" space. And yes, I do, even at only 9+ weeks.

Wow. This is already hard...

2. I'm gonna count fast hair growth as a pro...but only in the sense that I've completely resolved to grow my head hair out.

3. Farting?

4. Not having to change the kitty litter...as much.

Ummmm....

This isn't helping like I thought it would.

I've sat here for 5 minutes now, unable to think of anything. That sucks. I know the pros will increase, especially when I can feel the little bugger moving, but I just have to get through these next several weeks the best I can. As do hubby and baby. It'll probably be harder for them than me.

Feel free to send me presents. Those always cheer me up.

;)